Handwriting:
Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women:
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles
or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is
a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she
will put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men:
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and
a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of
course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.
Relationships:
Women: When
a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months
after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and
say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you
to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I
Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have
made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to
help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men:
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.
Magazines:
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Women:
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is
lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked
men elicit laughter from women.
Bathrooms:
Men: A man has
six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar
of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Shoes:
Women:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on
Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from
Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the
desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Cats:
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Children:
Women:
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing Up:
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men:
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he
will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a
dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of
"Love American Style."
Eating Out:
Men: When the
check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's
only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women:
They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.
Menopause:
Women: When a
woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of these changes varies with the individual.
Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he
buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves,
and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Phone:
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women:
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning
home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men:
Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their
toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of
men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and
blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on
command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at
least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men: Men take
photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the
art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms:
Men:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex.
And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Women: Every
actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a
man.
Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Conversation:
Men:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great
movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that
size."
Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate
conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by
the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good
restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Leg Warmers:
Women: Leg
warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she
wants.
Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Friends:
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"
Restrooms:
Women:
Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will
leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to
the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves
to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men
in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the
history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table
by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to
join me?"
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